Why vacations touch my core...

This is my 4th summer
alone..
with my children.

I cannot honestly
even remember
the first summer...
I was so broken..
so un nerved by what
I had been through,
and that year is a blur.

However, I healed!
I discovered that I was not
broken beyond repair..
and I began to plan.

Over the next few summers
we have gone to the beach,
the nick hotel,
a cruise..
we have been horse back riding,
and go carting!
and this summer
included a train
and a trip out of state...

Each trip is purposeful,
it takes planning,
it takes budgeting,
it takes saving,
and extra work.
It has been a choice
to not drive a better car,
or buy the extras
or save it all
for a rainy day...
and in my mind;
its so worth it!

There is much
I cannot give my children,
but I can give them memories,
and experiences.
I can also give them ME!

On vacation,
they see a side of me
that they normally do not get to!
On vacation-
there are no dishes or chores,
I am not running to or from work.
I am not worried about their homework,
or life choices.
I am just 'ME'..
They see my silly side,
and the side that gets a little nervous
in new places.
They see me navigating maps
upside down,
and getting us out of close calls.
They see my strength,
and they see my weakness.
They get to know ME
just a little more-
we laugh a little more,
and play a little more...
and they can file away the memories
that one day they will share
with their kids.

And no matter what,
they are moments frozen in time-
forever theirs.
forever mine.

Identity ..loss..or gain!

There are many things
that have come out
of my hurts and hurdles...

One of the good things-
is the understanding
of who I actually am!

For so many years
my identity was in the roles
I lived!
My childrens' accomplishments,
the way their dad felt about me..
the way my friends affirmed me..
how well I managed my home..

Now,
those things still matter!
well..some are a bit different!:)
I am still a mom!
I am still a friend!
I am still a daughter and sister!
I still have a home to run!

but, I am so much more!
so very much more!

I love coffee..
and am particular about my coffee cups-
I love to read,
I love to wander in antique stores and flea markets!
I love the water,
I love to walk!
I cannot sing at all..
but I love music.
I like people.
I enjoy raising chickens.
I like movies that make me laugh,
and I refuse to watch movies that scare me!
I love walking on the beach at night
and find the sound of the ocean renewing.
I like learning how to be empowered
and I enjoy learning to be confident!
I love to talk..
but I also enjoy listening!
I am shy in crowds
and completely open , one on one!
I have learned to say no.
I have learned how to give
without resentment..
I have learned how to retain
my core
even when doing for others and my kids!
I find peace in simple activities
and enjoy being with people I love!
The simple act of being
brings me joy!
Lady bugs make me smile,
rainbows reach my heart,
and a simple touch from someone  I care about
warms my soul.

All this..
is part of who I am!
Part of an identity
that makes me 'me'..

And so...
as I face the next stage of my life,
I have learned answers to questions
that I never knew I needed to ask!

I have learned my identity
and will carry it with me,
no matter the role in life
I have yet to play!