Single bucket list..

Being single...
can  at moments feel so OLD..
and at moments feel so FRESH..
and at moments feel so RIGHT..
and at other moments,
so NOT!

I have learned to be content,
but sometimes I get distracted!
I begin to feel hope..
or look forward;
and forget to enjoy the moment
I am in now!

And so,
I was talking with another single friend
and I suggested
a 'single bucket list!'.
Not life time goals,
but rather
things I want to learn
in THIS season of my life...
things like salsa dancing,
or cooking classes..
or maybe sky diving..
(or not!)
shooting a gun,
or maybe rock climbing.

The sky is the limit..
the purpose is not about
accomplishing things
I have always dreamed..
but rather??
learning how to live for the moment,
and enjoy where I am..
in this season of time!

And so..
I shall begin...
starting today!
remembering
to live for NOW..
remembering
to enjoy where I AM!
No more! No less!

single bucket list..
still to come!:)

comfortable to just be...

Dating is a tough thing
for any single person.
Add kids,
Add past hurt,
Add working to provide..
and it becomes seemingly impossible.

In my case..
I have ventured out!
Taken some chances.
Gone on several dates.
Explored some possibilities..
and have come to a place of;
wait and see.

There was a time
I felt the need to push..
to put myself out there.
To say yes to a date because.. you never know..

I wondered if I would ever meet a man
that would not only make my heart skip..
but I would have the same effect on his.
It always seemed one or the other.

I fluctuated between lonely, content, restless and at peace.
The seasons of singleness.

And then..
I realized-
My life is full!
I have friends that love me..
family that adores me...
a job that fulfills me..
children that inspire me.

And so..
content in where I am...
I have a choice:
worry, wish, wonder..
or
take each day as it comes,
accepting each situation
as it happens...

'open to the possibilities'
simply means
content exactly where I am!

The Pain Map

I debated putting this post on my old blog
www.singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com
because in some ways
its a 'single' mom
heart issue..
but in other ways,
its so much more!

My middle child has migraines.
When we were called about her MRI
the nurse said there is a "pain MAP or PATH" in the brain!
When a headache comes on,
it knows the path to follow.
after a while..
there is no build up-
the pain just hits
in all its glory!

I have thought about this
'pain map' ever since!
I believe that our heart has this too!
I believe that when your heart
was once broken,
even after is heals-
it remembers the path that pain followed-
and when something else threatens it:
we get our feelings hurt,
we take a risk and get burned,
we hope only to face disappointment...
there is no longer a slow build up of pain-
instead the ache that hits
can take you to your knees.
The heart remembers-
it feels,
and the pain follows the map
it has read before.

I am watching a friend,
who has been devastated in ways
no parent should know!
The loss of her beautiful son
just 7 months ago..
facing brain surgery with her 13 month old
this week...
and I imagine her heart must feel broken
all of the time.
Her pain map
never having time
to fold itself up,
and put itself away!!

I grieve for her!
and as I grieve..
my heart remembers the path
it followed to brokenness..
and it breaks just a bit at a time;
all over again!

Why vacations touch my core...

This is my 4th summer
alone..
with my children.

I cannot honestly
even remember
the first summer...
I was so broken..
so un nerved by what
I had been through,
and that year is a blur.

However, I healed!
I discovered that I was not
broken beyond repair..
and I began to plan.

Over the next few summers
we have gone to the beach,
the nick hotel,
a cruise..
we have been horse back riding,
and go carting!
and this summer
included a train
and a trip out of state...

Each trip is purposeful,
it takes planning,
it takes budgeting,
it takes saving,
and extra work.
It has been a choice
to not drive a better car,
or buy the extras
or save it all
for a rainy day...
and in my mind;
its so worth it!

There is much
I cannot give my children,
but I can give them memories,
and experiences.
I can also give them ME!

On vacation,
they see a side of me
that they normally do not get to!
On vacation-
there are no dishes or chores,
I am not running to or from work.
I am not worried about their homework,
or life choices.
I am just 'ME'..
They see my silly side,
and the side that gets a little nervous
in new places.
They see me navigating maps
upside down,
and getting us out of close calls.
They see my strength,
and they see my weakness.
They get to know ME
just a little more-
we laugh a little more,
and play a little more...
and they can file away the memories
that one day they will share
with their kids.

And no matter what,
they are moments frozen in time-
forever theirs.
forever mine.

Identity ..loss..or gain!

There are many things
that have come out
of my hurts and hurdles...

One of the good things-
is the understanding
of who I actually am!

For so many years
my identity was in the roles
I lived!
My childrens' accomplishments,
the way their dad felt about me..
the way my friends affirmed me..
how well I managed my home..

Now,
those things still matter!
well..some are a bit different!:)
I am still a mom!
I am still a friend!
I am still a daughter and sister!
I still have a home to run!

but, I am so much more!
so very much more!

I love coffee..
and am particular about my coffee cups-
I love to read,
I love to wander in antique stores and flea markets!
I love the water,
I love to walk!
I cannot sing at all..
but I love music.
I like people.
I enjoy raising chickens.
I like movies that make me laugh,
and I refuse to watch movies that scare me!
I love walking on the beach at night
and find the sound of the ocean renewing.
I like learning how to be empowered
and I enjoy learning to be confident!
I love to talk..
but I also enjoy listening!
I am shy in crowds
and completely open , one on one!
I have learned to say no.
I have learned how to give
without resentment..
I have learned how to retain
my core
even when doing for others and my kids!
I find peace in simple activities
and enjoy being with people I love!
The simple act of being
brings me joy!
Lady bugs make me smile,
rainbows reach my heart,
and a simple touch from someone  I care about
warms my soul.

All this..
is part of who I am!
Part of an identity
that makes me 'me'..

And so...
as I face the next stage of my life,
I have learned answers to questions
that I never knew I needed to ask!

I have learned my identity
and will carry it with me,
no matter the role in life
I have yet to play!

Define me...

I realized recently
that I am no longer defined
by being divorced.

I was..
for a while...
I hated when people
asked-
'was I married'...
'what did my husband do'..
In social settings;
I knew it was coming!
Going into places was hard,
I felt the desire to tell everyone
why I was divorced,
who I used to be!!
I felt defensive..
I felt discarded.....

And then..
I defined myself by being single.
I noticed wedding rings,
and couples!
I was aware of my freedom
and also my aloneness...

And now....
I am defined by who I am!
Not my state of being.
I have friends in my life
who have known me through
each stage..
and friends in my life,
who have only known me
in my 'unmarried' state.
I rarely bump into people any more,
who knew me then...
and who ask because they did not know!
and when I meet people
and the subject comes up,
I am OK with it!
I am divorced!
I am single!
I am just me.
A single, working, busy, children raising, Woman!

It has taken time..
there have been many bumps!
But, I am in a place
that made MOST of the bumps..
worth while...:-)

The taste of HOPE

Hope has a taste..
it has a smell..
it has a sound...
it has an emotion...

HOPE is the moment
you realize
that MAYBE just maybe
you might have a future..
a chance..

Hope is NOT about a person..

it happens when you,
and you alone,
realize
that you, and you alone,
are OK..
but that you are also
ready
to not always be you, and you alone!

Hope is the moment
you taste
and smell
and hear
and feel...
the prompting that says
"its out there..actually out there"..

HOPE is NOT about falling in love..
or meeting someone...
Hope is not about what is...
hope is about what might be.

Hope is the unknown..
when the unknown stops
looking so dark!
Hope..
is in whats waiting.